I've found through being both the recipient and facilitator of plant medicine and dieta spaces, and womens circles over the years, that the art of listening in full presence is becoming rather rare, and it is something I am continually examining in myself when I "slip up" and trying to improve. So this is me attempting to unpack something complex I am still navigating myself on both ends.
Many times when someone is in a strong emotional process or any form of overwhelm, they just want to feel safe to be witnessed in whatever they are feeling or sharing through words. They want a space of safety, compassion and nonjudgement to be fully vulnerable and transparent. Most of the time this means:
Avoid giving unsolicited solutions or "fixes" from your experience and perception of what they are going through
Avoid telling them the ways they are projecting or playing a victim role, even if this is the case--I find this is often necessary at a certain point in someone's process but most definitely not when they are raw and reactive
Avoid interjecting in the middle of their stream of spoken words and thoughts to give feedback or advice
Avoid invalidating, minimizing, or dismissing the emotions being expressed, even when you perceive them to be overreactions or disproportionate to whatever triggered them
Ask questions like "do you want my perspective", "do you want my feedback", "can I hold your hand/give you a hug"? and respect their boundary when the response is "no".
Ask "what form of support do you want from me right now"?
Raw and direct personal truth alert.
I find that many people in the spiritual healing community become highly uncomfortable when someone is sharing something dense, and perhaps the tendency to want to immediately "fix" someone's problem or make them feel better is a subconscious manifestation of this discomfort and an attempt to feel less uncomfortable, rather than a desire to support them.
It is deeply disturbing to me that there are healers in this community that are truly unable and unwilling to hold someone in a psychological or emotionally distressed place, how often spiritual bypassing expressions like "think positive", "you are creating your experience" etc are used in healing spaces, and the level of re-traumatization and future distrust this creates in the one seeking help.
Sometimes this even becomes emotionally abusive and damaging and I've heard many stories from clients over the years of people who abandon them mid process when it gets "real". If you are in this line of work and uncomfortable with someone's trauma and shadow arising, if you can't handle the expression of someone's inner child (that may very well be projected strongly onto you) or innermost vulnerable emotions why are you in it?
If you are not in a space to provide someone support and they ask, it is an act of service to both of you to honestly say that you don't have the capacity at the time and not push yourself out of obligation. Sometimes for me on a professional level this necessitates turning away potential clients or rescheduling existing ones.
If you seek support from someone and they tell you, "I don't have the space/capacity to hold space for you right now", it is important to respect the boundary being expressed. Everyone has a limit in their ability to offer support and those holding space often do need time and space to regulate and recharge themselves to maintain a state of being conducive to holding proper space, especially in their free/"off" time. Having a friend, partner, or family member that is a healer, therapist etc. is not a permission slip for free support when they are not in the space to give it.
I have always had difficulty understanding the question "how are you" in these circles, because it seems most of the time this question is asked from a place of polite, disconnected, social inquiry and not a place of genuinely wanting to know--when the answer is something negative in nature and not the standard expected "fine", "I'm great", "good", it catches alot of people off guard and they become visibly uncomfortable.
It felt like this needed to be said and witnessed, I welcome any feedback. To those who are able to listen in this way, I just want you to know what a rare and valuable gift you are, thank you for being you!
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