My First Ayahuasca Ceremony--a demonstration of quantum reality
Ayahuasca came in recently and encouraged me to at last share about my first ceremony experience a decade ago. I've never quite been able to find the words. This ceremony was what I can only call a direct demonstration of non linear space, non linear time, and infinite potentiality. I had gone with a very human intention of feeling lost and looking for direction and purpose and instead it was sort of a direct experience and crash course in quantum physics that I am still unraveling and trying to extract grounded wisdom from to this day.
My first ceremony was Christmas night on a full moon with 100 people. I remember most of what happened but the timing and order escapes me because it all felt simultaneous. I was outdoors for a good part of it, partly because I wanted to connect and breathe with the moon and partly because the medicine became so insanely strong I could not cognize how to return to the indoor space.
While outside I began to see a "tapestry" of billions of matching interlocking shapes as an overlay of everything in my physical vision. I began to be somewhat chaotically "thrusted" into a random shape that would glow before being sucked into it, and back out to witness the full tapestry again. With each of these "shifts" every few seconds or so, my physical environment would drastically change. The moon would move from one end of the sky to another, the people who were outside with me would suddenly vanish and be replaced by others.
I viscerally experienced myself at one point in several physical locations all simultaneously and equal to an extent that I literally could not tell the actual physical location of my body. I could feel the grass, while seeing the view from a nearby mountaintop, while my ceremony neighbor looked at me wide-eyed and whispered "how are you doing that", while feeling a #2 explosion on the toilet, while inside on apparently someone elses mat making weird sounds and being "shushed", while in a void of black space, and then I began to feel raindrops and my location centered to the outside version. I was grounded for a moment and reached for my shoes to go inside, but in that moment they disintegrated into Pixels of light and my hand just touched emptiness. A man assisting the ceremony came to me and offered me water, he appeared to me as Jesus with his hairstyle, his kind eyes and the compassionate energy he embodied. I took a drink but the water turned into Ayahuasca and instantly took me deeper. I found myself in that moment drinking a cup at the altar that was being offered by the leader and had no idea how I got there.
In another part of the "outdoor" ceremony my mind began rapidly spinning out of control. It would shift between thoughts of extreme panic and anxiety, to downloads of understanding, to random judgements and insecurity, to thinking about certain people and experiences in my life and feeling immense expansive love and gratitude. The "tapestry" came back and instead of being pulled in and out again, only the people outside with ne and what they were doing would change. I began having a dark thought and suddenly everyone would start yelling, groaning, holding their head or stomach in pain, a person screaming from inside...then when I would have a positive loving thought, the others would be laugh, look around in an awestruck expression, or start crying.
At certain points indoors I would see these threads of varying colors of light and shadow connecting many of the 100 people in the space, and for a while simply observed the activity of these cords and interactions. I would see people's impending purges as "blobs" in various parts of the body, sometimes people would cough and the blobs would stay stuck, but then enter a shadowy cord and go into another person's body that threw up. I saw some cords of light from people that would dissolve the blobs in the bodies of others, and I myself at points had varying cords attached to me, getting lost in a flow of sorts of receiving others purges, my purges being "taken", and giving and receiving love. There was a sense that all there were one overall being on some level and that each and every individuated expression was playing an important role in the ceremony (and in humanity). Some began to appear as angels and demons.
Every time I had the experience of the tapestry, there was a sense that a "being" or God-like entity created the entire thing. At one point I experienced myself as the tapestry itself and there was a sense of immense empowerment that I truly had the power choose which "shape"/potential of my life I was experiencing in any given moment. In other times I was chaotically thrown in and out by a seeming outside force.
I have never gone this "deep" in this way since after many hundreds of ceremonies and am still trying to fully unpack the teachings being imparted, but for whatever reason this finally wanted to be shared in this moment. Curious if anyone has had a similar experience and what you take from this I'm not sure why I chose this photo, it just jumped out. For anyone triggered, the headdress was given to me as a gift from a dear Yawanawa maestro as a symbol of respect and support for my path of serving and to aid me in ceremonies to protect my crown and mind in that space, and to connect to the light represented by the Guacomyo that it was made from. The vine I saved as a treasured altar piece from my very first time cooking a batch.
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